Thursday, September 15, 2011

Why I can never do Yoga again

Thinking about Thursday

Why I Can Never Do Yoga Again
Not me.

     First of all, HUGE shout out to my Romance Biggest Winner Team ( Fantastic Four) for coming in FIRST PLACE this week! I knew we could do it! You can follow the competition at #RBW. Special thanks to Ashley March for managing the competition. Pssst, you should check out her new book Romancing the Countess

      Anyway, in honor of my team's accomplishment, I wanted to share with you the tragic, yet true story of why I no longer do yoga.  This was originally an email to a friend. I hope it makes you smile this today.  The thought of me doing yoga is pretty entertaining on its own, but I thought you might enjoy my story :)

   I used to love Yoga. Do it all the time, really enjoy it, helps keep me less stressed and calm ...but one morning, all that changed!

I got up like normal, laid out my mat, did my little routine with the TV, feeling very calm and centered. Sufficiently balanced to start my day.

Now for those of you who have never done Yoga, it is done barefoot. Just keep that in mind. I finished my routine. Stood up and started to roll up my mat. My mind a million other places... Did I sign that permission form? What time did Scott say he needed to get going this morning?
and the weirdest thought~ Why am I standing on a ice cube??

I stepped on something ice cold in the middle of my carpeted living room floor. I looked down... IT WAS A LIZARD!!!!! A baby gecko... and I stepped on it... BAREFOOT! 
It did not look like this!
All balance, centered calmness immediately left my body! I did get some cardio in as I RAN to the bedroom to wake up my loving husband ( Dead lizard removal falls in his skill set, not mine!)

So I am shaking him and swinging my foot around like a cat with tape on its paw, wiping it on everything I can find. " Get up! Get up! I just stepped on a a lizard in the living room. I think I killed it! You have to get up and get rid of it!!!"

Do you know what the manly protector of my household said, "If it is already dead, why do I have to get up right now and get rid of it??"
Not my husband
I can't print what I said back to him because it wasn't very lady like

I ran back into the living room ( More cardio) because I heard my daughter getting up and didn't want her to see the poor squished thing.

IT WASN'T THERE!!!! It had crawled half way across the floor and went it saw me took off and hid.

So while I am grateful that I did not kill it. IT IS STILL LOOSE IN HERE SOMEWHERE!!!

Of course, after Scott refused to help me, I kept hoping it had crawled into his shoe, but no such luck.

Sadly that is why I can never do yoga again... That combined with the fact I plan on having my right foot ( the one that touched it ) surgically removed and replaced with a new one... bathing it in lysol didn't help me much !


Tressa Green said...

Hahahaha!! The pictures just made it all the more hilarious. "Not my husband". LOL

Good thing the little guy was okay! They're so cute. But I think I wouldn't want to step on one either. That feeling doesn't leave the skin for a long time. How do I know this?

Last week, I was sitting here as I normally do reading blogs, trying to keep up with Twitter, etc. And my boys walk in from school. I say, "Hi, how was your day?" and all that and go back to the internet.

The boys go back outside for a little while and come back in with their hands full of all the school things they'd left on the porch when they first came home.

My oldest boy, 14, steps up to me and says, "Mom, would you get my pencil out of my (hoodie) pocket? My hands are full."

Now. I feel like I'm a decent mom. I love my kids like crazy and I don't mind doing things for them. BUT! My oldest boy is ornerier than a ferret hyped up on crack. (not that I know what a ferret on crack is like, but my boy is very ornery!)

Not a thought crossed my mind. None at all. I reached into his pocket.

And squealed.

I absolutely, in real life, honest to god, squealed. Which incited both my boys to burst out into the most maniacal, evil, gleeful cackling you ever heard.

What was in the pocket? Not a pencil, I assure you!

It was a toad. A big, fat, bumpy, cold toad. That feeling on my fingertips lasted for hours, as did my boys' teasing.

Lesson learned: Do not reach into a boy's hoodie pocket under any circumstances. Next time I'm going to say, "Put your stuff down and get it yourself!" lol

Teri Anne Stanley said...

I am generally not squeamish, it goes against the grain of science-geekishness that I work hard to cultivate. But I do have limits.

A few years ago, we lived in an old house in an old part of the city, and our leaky old house became home to a family of rats. Yes, rats. Not cute little field mice. Big nasty sewer rats.

We set poison traps out, got a few, nearly killed the dog (but that's another story). Then one day The Big Guy and I were cleaning out the area under a leaky sink. He picked up a plastic bag that had something stuck to it....AAAARGH! I've never seen him drop something so fast in my life. There was a dead, semi-decomposed rat in the bag.

Nuff said.

Loree Huebner said...

Very funny story.

I was once walking up the sidewalk to the house when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I felt something under my feet as I stepped, and when I turned around to see...I was horrified! A little mole had come out of the grass to run to the other side and with bad timing on his side and my stride, I had squished him.

He was only an inch or two long. I felt terrible and had to call my hubby to take away the carcass. He did come to my rescue. I shudder everytime I think about it. Thanks God I wasn't barefoot! Yuck...I still walk though. ;D

Roni Loren said...

Aww, hope you don't give up on yoga for good, lol.

I'm not too squicked out by lizards, but I'm extremely bug phobic. When I was younger, I was outside with one of my friends. She pointed at me in horror and was like "You have a caterpillar on the back of your shirt!"

Cue me running around in the middle of the street and stripping my shirt off in front of the whole neighborhood.

Dawn Alexander said...

Tressa~ EEEWWWW! Now my hands feel all creepy and I haven't even touched any thing! Love the ferret on crack analogy.

Teri~ EEWWW! EWWW! DOUBLE EWWW! My husband likes to tell people about when I was 8 months pregnant and found a mouse in a our dryer (Still alive). I climbed over Scott like he was a tree to get out of the utility room, screaming it was a rat. Turned out to be a small field mouse. He caught it in a snack size ziploc bag and proceeded to tell me I had left it in the dryer too long because it shrank. Funny man, isn't he?

Loree~ oh, that would really creepy me out. At least your husband came to your rescue!

Roni~ LOL! I hear you. Bugs aren't my favorite of God's creatures either. When I was WAY pregnant with my oldest (there seems to be a pattern with me having issues while trying to manage a body the size of Shamu) I was watching a movie in the living room with my mom and husband. I was in a recliner (or else I would have never been able to see my feet) I looked down just in time to see a spider crawl up the pant leg of my sweats. Cue me stripping in the living room. Mom and Scott just stared at me.

Please Notice:

I have been asked by my husband to make a retraction. He took issue with the statement, "Since Scott refused to help me..." He would like to clarify that he did not directly REFUSE to help. He simply questions my level of urgency about the matter. Uh-huh.